Things You Own But Definitely Didn’t Buy

There is nothing like moving to remind you of your own personal liquidity, or,  how much crap you have versus how much crap you actually want, use, like and need. Can you fit all in the back of a Sebring? That’s some pretty bohemian living and I salute you. Need a U-Haul? Jeez, consolidate man, it’s a studio apartment.

For those who have, currently are, or soon will flee the nest, the ability to fill a single vehicle with all one’s meaningful possessions is both exhilarating and frightening. Yes, you can blow like a leaf in the metaphorical wind, un-rooted and carefree. On the other hand, yes, this is ALL YOU HAVE. Makes you feel kind of insignificant, huh? Either way, the process of selecting what to fill a vehicle with causes you to ask yourself more than anything else, “Where did half this junk even come from!?”

Young adults have relatively little capital, and the majority of their major possessions have been financed through student loans, menial summer labor, or via the extreme generosity of family members. This accounts for 95% of your possessions, including the PS3 you bought after working at Dairy Queen for two months, the microwave your wonderful grandmother insisted she buy for you, and the way-beyond-your-current-means couch your awesome uncle gave you from his basement. And the other 5%? Those are the Things You Own But Definitely Didn’t Buy.

Pens and Pencils – This has been true, ever since the dawn of the Back-To-School Shopping trip. (And by the way, why did we always have to get crayons? I don’t EVER remember getting to use those damned things.) Of course, necessities are always purchased, but it seems the amount gathered every year is cut in half progressively, until by our senior year of college, we buy a single paperclip and call it good.

"Hey, does anyone have a pencil I can borrow?" "YUP."

Why is this? Because after years of schooling, meetings and work, we have amassed a quantity of office supplies that could sustain a small township’s operations for three weeks. Remember your pencil case by the end of the year in elementary school? It was the size of a fireplace log, and when you’d pour it out when you got home, your parents would ask, “Where did you get all of that stuff?” You’d shake your head, and in the only time you meant it sincerely as an adolescent, reply “I dunno.” Because you genuinely didn’t. You didn’t buy any of it. It had been amassed by months of finding, swapping and gathering.

This happens even more later in life as we pick up the free pen at a bank, or spy a fancy mechanical pencil on the floor of the lecture hall. And if you had a class in a room with any sort of design, engineering or art class occurring prior to yours, the room was a writing utensil utopia. Graphite as far as the eye can see! We can blindly reach into our bags on the spot and pull out any number of pens, pencils, markers and packs of lead. Where did these come from? Who knows. Did we buy them? Definitely not.

Plants – This is another puzzler. Provided you aren’t some chloro-filled (pun) maniac who decided to turn their dining room into an indoor replica of the Brazilian Rainforest, many plants in your dwelling are likely to be an inheritance rather than a purchase.

This notion struck me a couple weeks ago, and upon realization, years of plant interaction replayed in my mind, in a “Whoa. Plants.” moment. And yes, I know how weird “plant interaction” sounds. I like it. While visiting a family friend, I noticed numerous plants inside, sunning by the windows to keep them from dying in the late-winter cold. I inquired about them, which eventually led to an explanation of their origins.

Mine is named Henry.

“This one came from your mother actually, these two are from my parents, a friend gave me this one, and this one grew when I broke off part of this one over here when it was getting too big and planted it.” Literally none of them were things she went and got herself. (Not that there is a thing wrong with any of that.)

In my limited (and combative) experience with plants, I have never bought one myself, but have had many, all of which promptly died. I was given a peace lilly once that I liked so much, I immediately turned it over to my mother to ensure its longevity as well as a hand-me-down cactus from a friend who had owned (and admitted to ignoring it) it for years. That one died on me two weeks after taking possession of it. These in addition to numerous other small potted indoor flowers which also died/never grew. At this point, I’ll never buy a plant because it’s an obvious waste of money in my case. But if you ever want to kill one, loan it to me. I’ll take good care of it, and you’ll get it back in a few days completely shriveled. Go figure.

T-Shirts – This is pretty much limited to the four (or six) years you spend in college, but it is incredibly easy to amass a closet full of tees for the low price of fo’ free if you know what you’re doing and don’t mind being a walking advertisement. The most important time for acquisition is during freshman orientation and the annual welcome week. The many university-sponsored events will have plenty of opportunities to fill out a card with false information for free shirts (Name: Dice Milk. Address: 911 Butt Street, Smelly Land, 99999), participate in silly contests offering free shirts, and full of large crowds, seemingly without purpose, where someone at the front will be tossing – you guessed it - free shirts.

Always keep an eye open for opportunities during the year, such as new business openings, cook-offs (local pizza places are the best for this), club meetings you will attend only once, tailgates and lastly, election season is a fantastic time to snag some free tees, assuming you don’t have any political principles keeping you from wearing certain free attire. Granted, you’ll end up looking like half the other kids on campus using this tactic, but now the five shirts you DID buy will be nice and fresh for the weekend.

As an additional Pro-Tip, get to potential shirt-receiving functions early, as you surely won’t be the only one with that plan. Especially if you’re not an L or XL, as the outliers M and XXL are always the first to go. Preparedness is key. Early birds get the shirts, and the ones who dilly-dally wind up with pens and pencils, and we’ve already been over that.

Framed Art – This is something else usually limited to the years during college and slightly beyond, due to the demographic’s limited disposable income, and the “quantity over quality” mindset it instills. Who out there has some nice framed works; photos, paintings or drawings? Bet you didn’t buy them or have them framed yourself. Have you ever HAD something framed properly? (No, that $8 plastic Meijer frame does not count.) Me either! But I’m told it’s expensive as hell. And don’t even start on triple matting, that’s some next-level, upper-crust living.

Grow Up, Weirdo.

The secondary reasoning behind this, besides the fact it’s freaking expensive, is because hanging some classy home décor has a surprisingly inverse affect for those trying to utilize its aesthetic qualities. Why is this you ask? Because hanging framed art of legitimate quality brings out by comparison the complete squalor inherent in all things surrounding it. In a studio apartment with walls bulging from multiple painted-over putty repairs, the oversized film-reel posters from your favorite crappy movie and the life-sized cut-out of Boba Fett, a framed work would only go to show what a complete idiot you are at interior decorating and how far you are from living in a domicile fit for an adult. Why would you buy something that makes you look even more pitiful than you already are?

Yeah, I know that canvas rubbing from a Turkish temple your aunt’s friend made is beautiful, except nothing else you have is, so it goes from cultured and interesting to garish and forced. Nobody would fault you for appreciating it, but the dichotomy of slop versus sophistication it creates is far too bizarre to force upon anyone, let alone yourself. Save your claimed and gifted framed pieces for when you can afford to go all out on some of your own, and THEN create a living space that actually goes well together. All this of course, only pertains to people who give a crap what their place looks like. But those who don’t give a crap aren’t about to be buying things either, are they?

Your Entire Music Collection – Don’t act like I see that 275.47 GB iTunes collection and have no clue what you’re up to, you card. But hey, as long as I get to hear every Akon song ever and "Party In The USA" at your party, I won’t be complaining.