Inferences Surmised Using The Transitive Property Relative To Musical Preference, or, What Your Favorite Hip-Hop Artists Say About You

TONY STARKS.

A link recently posted on Facebook by one of my buddies contained a list of rock bands and the assumptions that can be drawn about you if a particular artist happens to be your favorite. It resulted in a couple days of laughs, conversation and interpretation. Not bad for a Facebook link, huh? However, given that my friends have a near-encyclopedic knowledge of rock and metal, they got a lot more out of it. I was entertained, but on the relative periphery due to my comparative lack of in-depth knowledge of the genre.

What I did get out of it was a desire to find a similar list covering a subject matter I was more familiar with. I decided that in lieu of searching out such a list with my desired combination of music and editorializing, I would be much better served (and occupied) by concocting my own. So to be brief, this is what you have here; an extensive but not comprehensive list of “What Your Favorite Hip-Hop Artists Say About You!”

Aceyalone  - Your cupboard consists exclusively of bulk-sized boxes of cereal, because it’s all you eat for three meals a day.

Aesop Rock - You've never lost at Scrabble, and you’ve never played sober either.

Akon – You have three girlfriends, none of which know of the others. You’re considering adding a fourth.

Andre 3000 - You've covered every square inch of your bedroom walls with non-sequiturs and musings written with a Sharpie.

Asher Roth - Your parents paid for you to attend a large state university until they found out you carried a 0.87 GPA through your first year.

Beastie Boys - Your apartment used to smell like a week old party. Now it smells like Icy Hot, hard-boiled eggs and patchouli.

Big Boi - You've lived in the same place for 4 years and have literally nothing in the way of decorations. But you have 7 televisions.

Black Rob - You’ve never made a pop culture reference more than half the people in the room understood.

B.O.B. – Despite 20/20 vision, you wear non-prescription glasses and look over them occasionally for effect when reading around others.

Bubba Sparkxxx - You spent half as much on your car speakers at Wal-Mart as you did on the car itself. You also have adorned it with a large Monster Energy Drink sticker.

Chiddy Bang - You’ve spent hours scouring the Internet for a desktop background that’s “dope.”

Clipse - You’re successful and financially comfortable, but even your family has no clue what you actually do.

C-Rayz Walz – There is a constant war waging within you, over whether your disposable income this week should go towards another tattoo or a BB gun.

Da Brat - You've never held a job for more than three weeks. Ever.

Del Tha Funkee Homosapien/Deltron - You'll never understand why people get rid of futons because of their practicality and space saving properties, and thusly have collected four in addition to your own since your friends have upgraded to formal bedding and seating.

Drake - The only time your friends call is to ask you for help moving because your truck has a topper.

Dr. Dre - You’ve made daily Facebook statuses about how intense the first four days of P90X are, then stopped suddenly, never mentioning it again.

Dr. Octagon - There is a Twitter hash-tag your friends have devised, dedicated exclusively to the bizarre and non-sensical things you’ve said.

El-P - You own and frequently use a set of lawn darts. The original, dangerous and illegal kind.

Eminem - You moved to a new school in 10^th grade, and nobody at your old school noticed.

50 Cent - You manage to include in every conversation you have a sophomoric sexual euphemism that barely makes sense, if at all.

The Game - You have a superiority complex that would make Napoleon blush, while accomplishing less than your younger sibling, ten years your junior.

Ghostface Killah - You have five nicknames, all of which you gave yourself. And everyone calls you by them.

Gucci Mane - You’ll eat a bumblebee for $5.

G-Unit - You and your buddies had custom matching license plates made for the front of your cars.

GZA - You’ve been getting the same Rose Art set for Christmas every year since telling your grandparents Art was your favorite subject when you were 8.

Hieroglyphics - You spend your free time learning Sanskrit.

Ice Cube - You sold your Thunderbird for a Town & Country because it’s “practical.”

Immortal Technique - You work at a funeral home, gathering peoples’ bodies after friends and family call regarding a death. You REALLY love your job.

Insane Clown Posse - You’ve spent 35x the money over the years buying Styrofoam coolers than you would have if you bought a single reusable one.

Inspectah Deck - Your brother got you your job.

Jay-Z - You mail home favorable job performance reviews to remind your parents of how great you are.

J-Kwon - You also love "Piano Man" by Billy Joel.

Juvenile - You get a drink tossed in your face at least twice a weekend.

Kanye West - You’ve cursed and yelled at complete strangers for changing the iPod to a song not on the party playlist you made.

Kid Cudi - Your Saturday evenings end with you either in tears or declaring it the “BEST. NIGHT. EVER!” 

Kool Keith – You don’t have a wallet because you keep your money in your socks.

KRS One – People around you can hear every lyric to the songs you listen to in your headphones because you damaged your hearing at a concert in college.

Lil’ Jon - You made sure to get every single person in your grade to sign your senior year high school yearbook.

Lil’ Wayne - Your parents asked the neighbors to water their plants and feed the cat during their vacation, even though you’re still living in their basement.

Lupe Fiasco - Your other favorite band is Muse.

Mase - You had problems reading out loud in class in elementary school.

M.F. Doom – You upgraded your satellite package to get more cartoon channels.

Mos Def - You have a successful career but enjoy slumming once a week with Bell's-quality food and dive bars.

MURS - You hangout at a comic book store three days a week.

Mystikal - You have restraining orders against you from four different people.

N*E*R*D* - You don't understand why nobody comes to your parties anymore.

Ne-Yo - You wear fedoras to the bar and break dance by yourself at 7 p.m. in a place with $1.50 wells. Nobody ever joins you, but you know it's because they're all intimidated.

Obie Trice - You’ve gone up to someone on the street who you recognized from an old job and they had no idea who you were.

O.D.B. - You’ve stolen toiletries from the last three parties you’ve been to, out of necessity.

P-Diddy - You sublet a room from a friend for two months while between jobs and told him you’d pay him a lump sum after working and getting some extra cash. Except you never paid him the rent and no longer talk to him.

The Pharcyde - You’ve run up a tab at the bar and put it under the name of a guy you overheard ordering earlier in the night because you didn’t like how he looked at you.

Pharrell - You appeared on “Trading Spaces” and your best friend was mad for six months over what you did to his/her room.

Public Enemy - You’ve run for public office, not to win but to steal votes from someone you hate.

Rick Ross - You have five nicknames, all of which you gave yourself. Nobody calls you by any of them.

RZA - You speak five languages but can’t remember the last time you used them outside of ordering takeout.

Tajai - You scowl at everyone who talks to you before 2 p.m. and after 5 p.m.

Three 6 Mafia – Despite not losing any weight, you recently converted your whole wardrobe from XL shirts to Mediums, which fit perfectly

T.I. – You’ve threatened someone during a verbal altercation outside of a theater after watching “The Notebook.”

A Tribe Called Quest - You brush your teeth with baking soda.

Trick Daddy - All your silverware, plates and cups are Solo brand plastic.

Tupac - You’re fairly tech savvy, but still misuse the “CC” function in e-mails.

Spank Rock - You've blacked out while drinking more times than you haven't in the past year. On purpose.

Wu-Tang Clan - If someone asks you to do something you don’t already do every day, you will forget to do it.

Ying Yang Twins - You have seven Yomega Yo-Yos and use them weekly to keep them in working order, just in case.

Sidenote: I am well aware there are many artists/groups left out, either due to simple oversight, a lack of awareness or one of many other hundreds of reasons. With this being the case, I encourage you to add your own as you see fit, either in new submissions or your own versions of previously listed artists. Because It’s Fun!