Michigan’s rich automotive history is one any person with cognitive capacity beyond that of a preschooler is aware of, so not surprisingly, the relationship most of the state’s denizens have with their vehicles borders on, if not passing into, the familial.
Unfortunately, many people are frighteningly ill-suited to be in control of a brood, with their concepts of responsibility running perpendicular to the requirements of parenting. In similar fashion, the judgment displayed on the roads of Northern Michigan in regard to automobiles leaves me with a brow furrowed deeply over people’s qualifications to own their vehicles. Thankfully, the actual skill of driving is generally one I’m not concerned with up here, given that a fair percentage of people on the roads have been operating heavy machinery longer than they have known their times tables (assuming they ever learned them). It is not what people chose to do with vehicles that makes me cringe, but what they chose to do to them.
Apparently it takes a special kind of hoopty to cut it in Northern Michigan; ones you don’t see anywhere else in the state. The Upper Peninsula is excluded from that statement, but they have a separate set of problems. So listen carefully if you plan on picking up a couple babes from the Gold Nugget, impressing your bros in the high school parking lot, or letting all the haters in town know you have a garage-based drug operation without ever opening your 18-toothed mouth.
This is How To Own a Vehicle In Northern Michigan.
This is How To Own a Vehicle In Northern Michigan.
Step 1: Selecting Your Style
There are two options here, and you can make your selection by answering one simple question:
“Am I an American Badass or Waaaay Extreme?”
If you’re an American Badass, you better already have a Big Three affiliation because you’re getting a pickup, Joe Jack. Your truck is legally required to be at least 12 years old, all manner of debris must be scattered throughout the bed (tailgate optional) and there must be at minimum a 3-inch diameter hole in your muffler. Entire muffler removal using errant swipes of a hammer's claw and blind yanking is recommended. You’re going to be doing a lot of hardcore stuff in your truck so it also needs to have a lift kit, because who knows when you’ll need to straddle a 3-foot tall stump on your way to the grocery store for Mountain Dew and Slim Jims? Make sure the seats sit low enough in the cabin so that you won’t ever need to look out the top eight inches of the windshield. You’ll be using that later. Dual rear tires are a bonus if you can get them, as they increase the amount of mud you can sling, and the girth of the ruts in front yard of your girlfriend’s parents house.
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Immaculate. |
Step Two: The Exterior
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Rock 'n' Roll Baby! |
Paint is more important however, on the low slung road racers. If at all possible, make sure to take a two toned approach with strong lines to express how fast your car is. I have seen spray painted vehicles more times than I would care to, including spatter covered head and tail lights, windows and mirrors, and a flat, dull finish on a car that doesn’t need to be primed for anything other than a junk yard. Painting your hubcaps is a display of creativity too, telling everyone you’re a free spirit who refuses to follow convention. Chicks dig free spirits, so naturally, they’ve got to dig homemade orange plastic rims too.
Decoration is the other part that goes into your vehicle’s exterior fitting into Northern Michigan. While paint is an afterthought to your truck, décor is of the utmost importance, because it’s your own personalized showcase of badassery. The first decision that needs to be made is your flag selection, because not having a flag on your truck is like not wearing cowboy boots to church. You’ll need to decide first if you’re a Main Street country-boy (Stars’n’Stripes) or a backwoods, law-fighting 'shiner (Stars’n’Bars). The fact that you’re about as far as you can get from an actual Confederate state, that nobody you know is from a Confederate state, that you’ve never traveled south of Gaylord and your complete disregard for what that flag represents to millions of people is all inconsequential, because you’re a redneck rebel, and you know that rubbin’ IS racin’ dangit! In addition to the flag on your rear window (or dual-mounted flags for the truly bold), a “Calvin and Hobbes” caricature peeing on a Dodge/Ford/Chevy logo of your choice is obligatory. Should you even have a bumper, it needs to be covered in enough stickers that when you’re asked for your opinion on any topic, you need only point snarkily to the back of your truck as a response. Finally, remember that top eight inches of your windshield you wanted to avoid? That’s because the “If You Can Read This Flip Me Over” sticker goes there, of course. Because vehicle-to-human conversation is clever. The approach most adhere to while planning their truck’s motif is a simple yet effective acronym: WWKRD – What Would Kid Rock Do?
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Classically Understated. |
The first thing to do to your car is to tint every glass surface as dark as possible. “Oh wow, we can’t see who’s inside of that ’91 Civic,” they’ll all say. “He/She must be really important!” How right they are. The next logical step is to get a rear-window covering decal. In Northern Michigan, there is really only one option. A decal that says you’re intense, extreme, crazy, unpredictable and awake, all at once. One that tells everyone you’re aligned with an industry leader, and that you’re probably even a paid representative. You need a massive MONSTER ENERGY DRINK decal. The rule of thumb is that you can never have too many MONSTER stickers. Even if it reduces visibility, because it’s not about what you see, it’s that people see you and how extreme you are. A chrome license plate border of barbed wire is something you don't want to forget either, but not until you’ve maxed out your vehicle's MONSTER sticker capabilities.
Step 3: The Interior
Luckily, this part requires the least amount of effort, since most of your attention (and money) is focused on dictating what others think of your ride. Once you’ve picked out your truck, gotten it completely filthy, and aligned yourself politically with pithy stickers, you need to tackle the seatbelt. Chances are you'll need to cut your seatbelts out completely to prevent their accidental use, and wherever possible, it's important to cover things in hose-down plastic, because of your tendency to drive through swamps, creeks and high school football fields without doors. You will also find it helpful to modify your seats so that they require only one bolt be unscrewed for their removal – that way you can have a lawn chair anywhere you go.
With your extreme car, a consistent motif is important to show that you’re fashion forward. Flames are in this season, and have been every year since K-Mart started carrying steering wheel covers. Flame seat covers, headrest covers, wheel covers, pretty much flames everywhere you can imagine. Fire means fast. Maybe dragons will work if you can find them, but they’re usually spitting flames. An air freshener is helpful, since more often than not your car will smell of mystery fumes, but only in “Black Ice” scent.
Now, some of you may be reading this thinking I have embellished to the point of absurdity. Let me take this time to reassure you that I have not. Everything I have specified is something I have personally seen and no less than five other people can independently verify. For instance, here’s a truck I found the other month, that my buddy Pepe took a picture of and put on his blog, PBR Picante. There is plenty I have omitted, to shield you from the horrors as well as to preserve my mind from reliving the experience. I have lived among it, learned from it, and now most importantly, I have been afforded an opportunity to completely avoid it. And that’s a good thing.
and "Untamed Pleasure" was one of the nicer ones.
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