The Most Pleasin' Season

Now that February has become March, the stretch run of winter is here and none too soon. This is something we must continue to tell ourselves everyday, since the weather remains as cold, gray, icy and unpleasant as last month. And for those on you on Spring Break in some 78-degree paradise, enjoy it, because the next few weeks upon your return will be far more miserable to you than those of us who never left our icebox existences.

This upcoming shift of seasons has gotten me thinking. Especially the idea people in areas like Michigan have, the one that screams, “Whatever, people in gorgeous year-round weather, we have FOUR seasons so take THAT!” in the face of anyone who actually manages to enjoy life November through April. Because admit it, four seasons sounds nice, but the reality is it’s only nice to have the four seasons for a week apiece and then pleasant weather for the other 48.

Seasons, in regions like this, are entirely too long to be considered a “single” season. Don’t try to tell me December winter is the same as March winter, and June summer is nothing like August summer. This is why I feel there should be EIGHT seasons, not four. Each of the current seasons should be halved and given their own designations. I shall call the first half of a season “Baby season.” The second will be “Adult season.” Each will become their own independently judged season, and this is how things should be.

So, going forth with that notion, here is my list of the eight (ocho!) seasons, in order from worst to first. I calls ‘em how I sees ‘em.

8. “Adult Winter” – Ugh, what can be worse than the second part of winter? You’ve endured a couple months already of having all the joy in life slowly sapped from you by cold weather and shorter days. Traveling is a constant gamble, the lack of sunlight is getting depressing and most likely you’ve caught a cold or two. Well, at least it’s all behind you now, right? FALSE. Get ready to do it all over again once mid-January hits, as it’ll surely get colder, the snow goes from pretty to vile or decides to become ice if you’re really lucky. You’ve been without baseball for more than three months, college football bowls have just concluded, leaving you in withdrawals and the Super Bowl was the letdown it usually is. At least your college basketball team is doing well… oh wait. No they aren’t. They’re awful and don’t talk to me about it. Adult Winter takes everything bad about Baby Winter, doubles it and then drags it out. Nobody is ever sad to see it go.

7. “Baby Spring” – You may be thinking, “What?! How is the beginning of spring this low? Winter is over!!!” Well hold your horses, and let me explain. Baby Spring is perennially connected at the hip to Adult Winter, which is dead weight. Don’t get Baby Spring confused with Adult Spring. Baby Spring is like being forced to clean up the disgusting house party your roommate threw the night before without talking to you. And doing it for a month. By yourself. The temperature has finally jumped above freezing, which is a victory, but a small one. With that jump comes dirty snow melting, leaving piles of rubble and churned up dirt clods that have collected over the last five months. The mud and semi frozen slop is disgusting, as is the periodic dip back below freezing that brings sleet, hail and ice, reminding you, “HEY. IT’S STILL COLD AND AWFUL.” Baby Spring also has the tasteless habit of unearthing the thousands of woodland creatures that met their ends on the grill of a Ford in late November. Those snow coffins don’t last forever, so Baby Spring is pretty grisly on top of it all. Nothing like miles of ribcage and empty eye sockets along the side of the road to make you take a deep breath and proclaim, “Spring is here!”

6. “Baby Winter” – This one is pretty obvious. It’s only slightly less obnoxious than Adult Winter, but what it lacks in tenacity, it makes up for in the foreboding terror it instills. After the initial joy of the beautiful first snowfalls, the thought of five months of misery erases those positive thoughts pretty quickly. That is Baby Winter’s only real negative difference from Adult Winter, but it’s a huge one. Nothing like long-term anxiety. On the other side though, there are a few positives. Christmas is usually a good thing, as is the end of the year, offering a chance to start anew. And like I already mentioned, the first couple snowfalls are pretty to some (crazy) people. All in all though, Baby Winter likes to remind you it has a lot of growing up to do.

5. “Adult Autumn” – This was a tough choice, between Baby Winter and Adult Autumn but Autumn gets the benefit of being slightly better due to travel considerations. Nobody ever said “Oh, I can’t make it, it’s too cold and kind of windy.” Everybody has said “Oh, I can’t make it, it’s too icy and I can’t see more than a foot in front of my car.” Adult Autumn has the ability to be shockingly ugly too, depending on how quickly the trees shed their leaves. Nothing says uninhabitable wasteland like barren trees, brown grass, gray skies and a cold, damp malaise floating under, over, and through you. Massive storms routinely knock out power, but at the same time, can be pretty cool. The crisp weather may actually be a welcome break if summer's heat was particularly brutal, but you’ll soon regret thinking such silly things. The late-season farm products like apples, cider and donuts are about to trail off, but they’re still there for a bit, and the last sunny, warm-ish day of the year is like a good friend saying his or her goodbyes before taking off for a few months, which is rather bittersweet. And that word is really what encapsulates Adult Autumn. It is equal parts remnants of good and harbingers of bad. Bittersweet indeed.

4 “Adult Spring” – Ah, the halfway point where the good finally has outweighed the bad. Adult Spring still has some issues, what with the rain, mud and allergies, but compared to what you just escaped, they’re welcome obstacles. The weather is consistently warm, usually in the 50s, which feels like 80 after Adult Winter threatened to freeze the limbs off your body on a daily basis. The first open-window-driving day of the year is a revelation hard to express in words. Adult Spring also has a smell that we all know, but cannot describe, despite it being one of the best things in the world. Flowers and trees are blooming, people are awaking out of their winter hibernation stupor like puppies learning to blink and the snow is finally gone, except for the grocery store parking lot mountains but they don’t count anyway. Spring training is fully underway with Opening Day moments away, the NBA and NHL are fighting for playoff seeding, and March Madness has concluded but left you in a state of competitive euphoria. Lastly, some things can be done outside, maybe even in shorts. Shorts!? YES SHORTS!

3. “Baby Summer” – Another difficult decision at the 2/3 spot, but Baby Summer gets knocked down a notch, only because its qualities have not quite matured to their enjoyable peaks. This season is pretty obvious though. Summer is here, bringing greatness with it. Cookouts, boating, friends, parties, bonfires, concerts and the vastly underrated pastime of porch sitting. (If you don’t have a porch, I’m so sorry.) The one thing that holds Baby Summer back to the three spot is the weather. Yes, I know it’s beautiful and warm and perfect, but you still don’t want to go jump in a 45 degree lake, do you? I didn’t think so, (Warning: Titanic reference) Jack Dawson. The water is still off limits in most Northern locales unless you’re in a boat, and the occasional late frost and crisp mornings make you pack two sets of clothing to take care of the huge temperature swings. Ultimately, the excitement of Baby Summer outweighs the reality. All that it promises is wonderful, but they are mostly things it can’t deliver upon until it’s older.

2. “Adult Summer” – Get the door, Adult Summer is here. Everything great about Baby Summer is here and amplified. Better weather, more outdoor activities, more parties, friends, cookouts, ballgames, DAYLIGHT, swimming, boating and any other outdoor activity you can think of. The thought of classes if you’re still attending school is miles away, and if you’re working, there isn’t another time of the year with more to do on the weekends or after work. Music sounds better, road trips are more fun, you can walk places (gasp!), the water is warm enough to enjoy and there’s never a shortage of things to do. Adult Summer’s only shortcoming is also one that has propelled it nearly to the top. It is number two by virtue of being connected to, but not actually being…

1. “Baby Autumn” – The pinnacle of the eight seasons. Every good thing from the other six (Yes, there are seven other seasons, but Adult Winter has no good things.) is included in Baby Autumn. Where do I begin? Wait, I know. College football. This alone could have brought Baby Autumn to the top with its tailgates, campuses, barbecues, pageantry and of course, the games themselves. Ah, but the list grows. Beautiful, comfortable weather gives you the opportunities to enjoy everything you did during Adult Summer, while not laying in bed sweating because it’s still 85 degrees at 2 am. And while the “Summer Mix” is a major part of American culture, I feel the music that pairs perfectly with Baby Autumn is even better. I mean, it even has its own genre: “Autumnal.” Pretty fantastic stuff. To greet the outgoing Adult Summer activities, Baby Fall presents its own unique activities, like pumpkin carving, hay rides, apples, cider, donuts, festivals and the sort. Outside activities in Baby Autumn seem so deeply connected to nature, and are appealing in a simple, days-gone-by sort of way. The leaves changing color are routinely breathtaking, especially when paired with warm sun and cool breezes. For younger students, returning to class may suck, but wait until you’re in college. You won’t be able to contain yourself (Hey there, Welcome Week.). It’s a reward worth waiting for. I really can’t find anything wrong with Baby Autumn. For those who claim, “Well, it’s no Adult Summer,” I acknowledge that. It’s better than Adult Summer. And the others who are concerned about the approach of Baby Winter, well that’s Adult Autumn’s problem to deal with. So enjoy it and live it up.